I am not a love child!
by Mirai Trunks1
Summary: Mirai Trunks here. Just comming to clarify some certain aspects of the courtship of Bulma and Vegeta....THERE *WAS* A WEDDING! I AM *NOT* A LOVE CHILD! I suggest you read the real story. Now. Go. Read. I've completed the account.
1. In the beginning...

I am not a love-child!
    
    by Mirai Trunks
    
    Disclaimer:
    
    I don't really see why this is necessary but it seems to be the custom so here
    
    goes:
    
            I do not own my mother, I do not own my father, I do not own my friends,
    
    enemies and or acquaintances. I really don't even own the strange twisted story
    
    line that is my life. That belongs to someone with a strange twisted sense of
    
    humor who thought it would be oh-so-funny to have my parents name me after
    
    underwear. There. Now you can't sue me. (I mean, its not like I don't have
    
    enough money, its just that its all in zenni)
    
            I'm not much of a storyteller so I'll explain to you why I am bothering to
    
    write this. The day I discovered this site I was surprised, honored even,
    
            "Wow" I thought "Lots of people are writing stories about me! I am such a
    
    stud." I read them. All of them. (I take that back, *most* of them. Who ever
    
    came up with the Trunks/Vegeta/Pan idea, I will find you one day and ask you
    
    "WHY?!?!?!?!?") In any case I quickly exhausted the store of fics about me and
    
    decided to move on to tales of my parents.
    
            This genre was strange. Some of these fics were kinda gross, some sweet, some
    
    stupid, some funny but they all had one thing in common....I WAS A FRICKIN
    
    LOVE-CHILD! All right, now one or two stories like this I could under stand, 20
    
    or 30 I could conceive, heck if only 50% fell into this strange genre I wouldn't
    
    be writing this but the fact is I have yet to find a tale that has even gotten
    
    close to telling what truly happened. I mean, what kind of a slut do you think
    
    my mom is? Sheesh.
    
            I am here today to set you all straight and explain to you what truly
    
    transpired. Yes, that's right, I know, first hand, what happened. You may ask
    
            "how?" After you do that I'll look at you like like you're stupid and I say
    
            "A little birdie brought me a video ta-I SPIED ON 'EM! DUH!" If you are a on
    
    the smarter end of the group of people who ask stupid questions you will quickly
    
    realized your mistake and ask instead, the more appropriate question
    
            "Why?" Then I will explain there are two reasons. The first is: to make sure
    
    things were going down the right path. I'm no idiot, I know time travel can
    
    seriously fuck things up. I f somehow I changed something that resulted in me
    
    not being born there would be problems. I just wanted to keep an eye on things.
    
            The second reason: blackmail. Pure beautiful blackmail. I mean, come on! 
    
    From what I had seen of him, and judging from Goku's reaction when I explained
    
    my heritage my dad falling in love with Mom was definitely something I didn't
    
    want my trusty Kodak to miss. Who knows, maybe I could even get a shot of him
    
    in that infamous pink shirt.
    
            If you have gotten this far on the question chain and are of the perverted sect
    
    you will now probably ask as to what extent ::nudge nudge wink wink:: I spied on
    
    them. I will promptly bitch slap you and once you're out cold inform your
    
    motionless body this is a kid friendly story so I did NOT stick around for the
    
    honeymoon. Kami, as if that's something I want to see -_-.
    
            Now without further ado, the true story of Bulma and Vegeta.
    
    Setting The Stage
    
            Alright, most people got the basic setting right. After the amazing and studly
    
    "strange purple haired kid" came and so kindly warned everyone of their
    
    respective impending dooms Vegeta came to the Briefs' house to build up the
    
    strength to go SSJ with the help of the gravity machine. Slowly he began to
    
    notice Bulma and vice versa. My story begins with Yamacha already gone. (this
    
    is another little discrepancy I find in other less reliable stories. If you'll
    
    pay attention I told Goku something to the effect of "Bulma and Yamacha were
    
    such a clash of strong opinions that they finally broke up" I did not say
    
    "Yamacha was caught cheating with 20 different women at the same time so Bulma
    
    kicked him in the balls and then Vegeta beat within an inch of his life" as some
    
    people interpreted it. In truth the break up was easy and rather painless) 
    
    This story will be presented in scenarios. For obvious reasons I could not be
    
    watching them all the time. Now with the stage set I will launch into my tale.
    
    Several Days after the infamous "Gravity Room Explosion"
    
            Bulma stands in the kitchen doing the dishes. Many dishes. Many many dishes. 
    
    Vegeta walks in from a training session and begins to rummage through the
    
    refrigerator. Bad idea.
    
            "Vegeta is you *touch* another dish I'll-" Bulma started.
    
            "You'll what women?" asked Vegeta with a mild look of amusement on his face as
    
    he purposefully placed a gi-normous sandwich down on an equally large platter.
    
            "GODAMMIT! TATS IT!" Bulma screeched "Now wash!" she commanded as she jammed a
    
    dishcloth and dirty pot into his hands.
    
            "I do not wash! What happened to that mother woman of yours? This is her
    
    task."
    
            "Mom is sick and even if she wasn't thats no excuse. You ought to start
    
    pulling your weight around here as a guest and I think this is a perfect way to
    
    start. I've been slaving away at this pile of plates for an hour and a half
    
    now. I'm tired, my feet hurt, I'm getting a headache. Now wash!" she commanded
    
    again.
    
            "You should be glad for the honor to serve such a guest as me" was the only
    
    cocky reply. All this was not sitting well with Bulma. She must not have been
    
    exaggerating about how crappy she felt 'cause she was really allowing herself to
    
    get all steamed up.
    
            "Have you ever done *anything* for someone else?" she demanded.
    
            "Woman, I tire of your chatter." Vegeta turned to leave. You could literally
    
    see the heat radiating off Bulma now.
    
            "YOU JACKASS!" she screeched. Vegeta stopped but didn't turn. Bulma continued
    
    "YOU PLANET DESTROYING, NAMEK SCREWING, FREIZA LOVING, TAILLESS SON OF A SICK
    
    BABOON AND DESPERATE PORCUPINE!" This got him to turn. The air around him
    
    began to shimmer, but Bulma wasn't finished. "You live at my house! Eat my
    
    food! Use my gravity machine! I fix the damn contraption every time you fuck it
    
    up! I make you food! Clean up the random crap you leave around! Patch up the
    
    holes in the walls you make! Pay off the people who are trying to sue us and
    
    kill you cause you kill/destroy/steal their pet/house/car! I stay with you all
    
    night at the hospital after just about kill your self! I care-" She stopped
    
    herself and took a deep breath. Finally she added, quietly this time, "....and
    
    you can't do one thing for me."
    
            Bulma was apparently worn out by this long tirade and sunk to the floor
    
    muttering "damn my head hurts" with effort she stood up and made her way out of
    
    the kitchen up to her room without another glance at Vegeta.
    
            The air around Vegeta had stopped shimmering and he stood there motionless with
    
    a face devoid of expression. I was about then I made my strategic exit, I had
    
    a feeling that if I was spotted then I would be killed, androids nothing. I
    
    vowed to check in first thing in the morning.
    
            I got there just about the time Bulma was waking up the next morning. She
    
    yawned and stretched but did a double take when she saw her clock. She looked
    
    out to the gravity machine where the clanks and bangs of the daily training
    
    exercise could clearly be heard.
    
            "I wonder why his highness hasn't bellowed for his royal breakfast yet" she
    
    mused. I suppose the recollection of the events of last night suddenly hit her
    
    for her face fell and she surmised "he's probably just giving me a head start on
    
    the left over dishes before his next feast." She heaved a heartfelt sigh and
    
    trudged down stairs to her sudsy fate.
    
            I turned and was going to go check on Vegeta to see if he felt any remorse what
    
    so ever. After all thing, things weren't looking too good for the "Make a
    
    Trunks" cause. However I was brought up short by a gasp from Bulma. I went to
    
    surreptitiously survey the kitchen. I smiled, things were looking up. The
    
    kitchen was spotless and written sloppily on a post-it note that was carelessly
    
    slapped on a cabinet were the words "For You" Things were looking up indeed.


	2. Things begin to roll along nicely...

I am not a love child!
    
    By Mirai Trunks
    
    Disclaimer: I think we've been over this so here's the abriged version: Don't own Mom, don't own Dad, don't own friends, enemies, and or other family.  Don't own my life.  Bummer
    
    I won't bore you with all these little incidents, after all, if you've read any
    
    of the other stories of Mom and Dad I'm sure you've gotten the general gist of
    
    these sweet little happenings. My goal is to relay to you the details of the
    
    wedding. I just wanted to show you that Mom and Dad falling in love was not an
    
    over-night process. That all. So, in the interest of time and space I will
    
    fast forward the tape "Mushy Parental Moments as Witnessed by Trunks" to this
    
    fated time....
    
            It was a dark and stormy night....well...actually it wasn't. In fact, this
    
    probably wouldn't have happened if it *was* a dark and stormy night. I had just
    
    always kinda wanted to use that phrase to start a story but sense I'd have to
    
    change a lot of things if I use that....I think I'll just start over.
    
            It was a starry and slightly chilly night. Yup, that works better though it
    
    lack the dramatic ring. Oh well. Anyway, on this particular night Bulma was
    
    laying on her back gazing at the stars. Vegeta walked by.
    
            "What are you looking at woman?" he asked with a quick glance to the heavens
    
    to insure she wasn't looking at any comets, spaceships, or evil purple aliens
    
    flying towards earth. But Bulma only gave the rather innocent answer of
    
            "stars". Vegeta looked up again, one eyebrow raised.
    
            "The thrill is gone." he commented as he turned towards the gravity chamber. 
    
    Bulma, seeming not noticing his indented departure, idly asked
    
            "I wonder which one the Nameks are on, which little dot is their new planet." 
    
    Vegeta searched the sky for a second before locating it.
    
            "That one, woman." he pointed to a distant speck. Bulma sighed, exasperated
    
            "I have a name." she pointed out for the next innumerable time. Though Vegeta
    
    had changed in many ways over the past few months this habit remained firmly
    
    ingrained. "Besides, I can't tell *what* you're pointing at. Get down here." 
    
    Vegeta rolled his eyes but complied.
    
            "That one." he pointed again, but instead of following his finger Bulma wrapped
    
    her arms around his neck and pulled herself close.
    
            "Got 'cha." she smiled.
    
            It was quiet for a little while as Vegeta looked at her, then, slowly, he
    
    wrapped his arms around her waist. "No," he whispered. "I've got you." There
    
    was a possessiveness in his voice he had never used with her before. I guess
    
    Bulma also sensed something was different about this little episode too because
    
    she wiggled free and stood, smiling. Vegeta's brows contracted but he looked
    
    more puzzled than angry. He sat up and met her eyes her with a look that said
    
            "Explain!" Bulma, still smiling, consented to the silent order. "I don't know
    
    what happened on Planet Vegeta, but if *we* are going to happen its gonna be in
    
    the good old fashioned Earth way. No claiming me before then." She walked away
    
    leaving a rather confused Vegeta on the lawn.
    
            "Things were starting to get interesting now." I thought. Kami, for a while I
    
    thought they were just gonna flirt for the rest of their natural lives (that
    
    would be considerably shorter 'cause I wouldn't be coming!) but, now, at last,
    
    leeway was being made! I really did feel kinda sorry for Dad at the moment. He
    
    had no idea what the, uh, "mating" customs of Earth were. To tell the truth I
    
    really didn't either, otherwise I might have felt compelled to help and thereby
    
    advance the "Make a Trunks" cause. Luckily for me, for Dad, for the whole
    
    freaking world for that matter, there was someone who did know. Unfortunately
    
    that, in and of it's self, presented a problem. A rather entertaining problem
    
    for me, the spy, but a not-so-funny problem for Daddy-dearest ^-^ Chuckling to
    
    myself I made my exit. I had to go put fresh film in the Kodak.
    
    The next day Goku came over. Talk about your handy timing, ne? Well after
    
    devouring the remaining contents of the Breif's kitchen he and Vegeta went out
    
    to spar. Everything was coming together nicely, If I do say so myself.
    
            Vegeta and Goku fought high about the earth. There last few spars had been
    
    good ones. It was evident Vegeta's power had increased immensely but today he
    
    seemed a little, well, absent minded.
    
            BAM! Vegeta was hit by one of Goku's ki balls. One he could have easily
    
    dodged. He fell to earth muttering obscenities mostly directed towards himself. 
    
    Goku alighted beside him.
    
            "Uh, Vegeta, you ok?" he asked. Vegeta snarled.
    
            "I'm fine Kakkarott!"
    
            "Oh. You just seemed kinda distracted up there. Is something bugging ya?"
    
    Goku pressed. Vegeta looked up. He heaved a sigh as if steeling himself for
    
    what he was about to do then quickly assumed his most imperialistic air.
    
            "I'm only going to say this once Kakkarott!" He growled "So listen carefully."
    
            "Uh, ok, shoot." said Goku. Vegeta seemed to be struggling to express him
    
    self.
    
            "How.." he tried again "What did..." He looked utterly embarrassed and
    
    disgusted at himself. True Kodak moments. ::click click:: Finally he fixed
    
    Goku with his usual haughty look and demanded. "Chi Chi. Your mate. How did
    
    she become such?"
    
            A smile spread across Goku's face. He knew why Vegeta was asking this. 
    
    Luckily he quickly reassumed his customary clueless look before Vegeta got to
    
    suspicious.
    
            "You mean like how did I marry her?" he asked. Vegeta, still looking a bit red
    
    only nodded.
    
            "Well, it's pretty easy actually. All I did was give her a ring-"
    
            "A ring?" Vegeta interrupted.
    
            "Yeah, it's a little bit of metal with a diamond on it that goes around your
    
    finger and-"
    
            "I know what it is, idiot! Why did you give her a ring?" Goku shrugged
    
            "I don't know, cause a diamond if forever? Its just what you do. Anyway, so I
    
    gave her a ring, asked her if she'd marry me, she said yes, a little later we
    
    had a wedding and that was that!"
    
            Vegeta appeared to be taking all this in and probably puzzling over the exact
    
    meaning of such strange words as "marry" and "wedding".
    
            "Well, I hope that helps you.." Goku started. Vegeta looked up sharply
    
            "Helps me what!" he demanded. My breath caught in my throat.
    
            "Damn Goku." I thought "don't screw up now." Luckily he made a graceful save
    
    and finished his sentence with
    
            "uh, helps you to satisfy your curiosity." Vegeta relaxed and grunted as to
    
    the affirmative. Good Goku.
    
            Vegeta got up and walked off without a look back. He looked rather determined. 
    
    Excellent. Goku stood there for a while looking at Vegeta. Then he turned at
    
    looked at me. He winked and flew away. I decided I needed to work on the whole
    
    "spy" thing a little more. And I thought my hiding place was good too!


	3. The ring saga...

I came back the next day half expecting to see wedding plans already underway
    
    but apparently the whole "ring" thing had Vegeta stumped.
    
            "Damn diamond ring!" he growled as he let loose another ki blast at an unlucky
    
    gravity room robot.
    
            "Where the hell am I supposed to find a diamond ring!" he yelled. The air
    
    around him shimmered.
    
            I suppose this was a pretty impossible task for him. After all, he didn't know
    
    where to get one, even if he did manage to find a jewelry store I'll bet you he
    
    didn't know Bulma's ring size, and even then, he still didn't have a single
    
    zenni to his name, heck ,he probably didn't even know what a diamond was!
    
            "AND WHAT THE HELL IS A DIAMOND?!?!?!"
    
            Kami, I'm good. but this didn't help me, in fact, this ring could end up being
    
    a bigger problem that I thought.
    
            "All this stupid trouble over a women!" Vegeta muttered sullenly "screw it
    
    all, who needs this?" Nope, definitely not good.
    
            Well, I knew that at some point in the uninterrupted-by-your's-truly-past he
    
    had managed to get his hand on an engagement ring. Mom still wore it. Always. 
    
    Never took it off. Maybe if I just let things be a miracle would happen.
    
    ...Then again maybe nothing would happen, I'd disappear, everyone would die and
    
    Mom wouldn't even have me any more. Maybe I could make a miracle.
    
            I went back to my faithful time machine. Back to the hellish pit that is my
    
    life. Back to Mom.
    
            "Trunks!" she called running out to meet me. She looks different. Well thats
    
    to be expected. But she looks older, older than she should. Older than she
    
    will look at this time if my mission is successfully. But my mission needs me. 
    
    I must remind myself that what I am doing is ultimately for my friends, for her.
    
            "Mom, I need your ring." I say, I won't meet her eyes.
    
            "My ring?" she repeats looking slightly dazed. Her hand goes to it
    
    protectively. "Why?" I look up at her now, her eyes have started to fill with
    
    tears but she hides any quaver in her voice as she asks again, steadily
    
            "Why do you need my ring, Trunks?"
    
            I can't tell her. She wouldn't let me go back. I guess she accepts that I
    
    won't say because she sighs and begins to slip of her only keepsake of Vegeta.
    
            "Is it very important?" she asks, this time a slight falter found it's way into
    
    her voice. I nod.
    
            "Very important." I emphasize.
    
            "Will I ever get it back?"
    
            This question makes me think. Before I had kinda thought of this plan of
    
    action as forever depriving Mom of her ring but if I give it to Vegeta and he in
    
    turn gives it to past Mom then...damn this is confusing but it seems that either
    
    way...
    
            "Yes Mom, you'll get it back." I smile, and feeling better, make my way to the
    
    past to preform a small miracle.
    
            Well the Get-Vegeta-the-Ring operation went off without a hitch. Well, he
    
    first had to check the ring over to insure it contained no booby traps,
    
    poisonous gasses or tracking devices, but hey, what ever floats his boat.
    
            "Well things seem to be going smoothly." That was the thought that was going
    
    through my mind right before the gravity machine blew up. Someone up there
    
    hates me. I mean, Vegeta wasn't even *in* the frickin thing. Sure it had lived
    
    through one of his more intense work outs but hey, whats with this delayed
    
    reaction crap?
    
            Bulma came running. When she saw Vegeta apparently un hurt and muttering
    
    naughty words in the direction of the smoking contraption her look changed from
    
    one of worry to severe pissed offedness. Peachy. Well the proposal wouldn't be
    
    coming today. Hopefully it would come. I turned to leave...but then a thought
    
    struck me. If this was my last day here, alive, born then I had better not
    
    waste it. There's always time for pictures. I hung around.
    
            "God damn it Vegeta what the hell did you do to the poor thing?!?!" Bulma
    
    screeched pulling out a wrench and various other tools I couldn't identify.
    
            "I wasn't even in the cursed invention, woman!" Vegeta bellowed back.
    
            "Well it doesn't just blow up on it's own!" Bulma retorted as she started
    
    fiddling with the inner mechanics.
    
            "This time it did!"
    
            "Uh-huh" replied the dripping sarcasm.
    
            "Fix it woman!" demanded the all mighty Vegeta.
    
            "I'm not listening" Bulma replied in a sing song voice.
    
            "Woman!"
    
            There was no response as Bulma continued to work on the circuit board. Vegeta
    
    fumed and clenched and unclenched his hands only to find there was something
    
    *in* his hand. A certain clenched ring box. He held it up. The veins receded
    
    back into his massive forehead as he slowly exhaled.
    
            "Woman." he said.
    
            "Dear Lord." I thought "he's gonna do it now?!?!"
    
            "Woman!" he repeated, slightly louder. The only answer was the carefree hum of
    
    a person who is purposefully ignoring someone.
    
            "Bulma."
    
            I wasn't the only one who did a double take at those words. The humming ceased
    
    to be. Bulma turned.
    
            "What" the shock on her face was not betrayed in her voice. She always has
    
    been...always will be good at that. In two strides Vegeta was in front of her. 
    
    In two seconds the the ring was on her finger and it took 4 more before Vegeta
    
    managed to summon up the words:
    
            "Bulma, will you marry me?"
    
            She looked to from him, to the ring, then back to him. Then, putting her arms
    
    around his neck and letting him pull her close she whispered
    
            "Yes"
    
            It wasn't a perfect picture. She had oil smudges on her face and on the old
    
    t-shirt she had donned. He wasn't kneeling. There was a piece of machinery
    
    sending off sparks behind them but by golly it was the most beautiful thing I
    
    had ever seen. Then they started kissing. Ewwww. I left. I mean, they are my
    
    parents after all.


	4. The preparations...

The Preparations

Disclaimer: This is getting old real fast. I don't own anyone!

I won't go into the bout of squealing, jumping up and down, and hand clapping that's was Mrs. Briefs after she found out. Needless to say wedding preparations were begun at once. No expense was sparred. Good thing too, as Bulma found out when it came time to order food for the reception.

The friendly (a little too friendly if you ask me) wedding coordinator sat in a chair opposite Bulma and supplied an endless stream of professional chatter. "And we have this scrumpcious set up with tea cakes, strawberry tarts, caviar.."

She went on to name several other strange sounding foods whilst simultaneously keeping the perfect smile plastered across her face. Bulma looked slightly worried. "That sounds wonderful but do you have anything, er, hearty-er?"

The smile disappeared for only a moment before it was back with full force. "Well of course if you prefer more of a lunch setting we have the package with lobster, sushi, slices of honey glazed ham baked with truffles.." once again the woman lost her self in her own happy world.

This time Bulma didn't wait for her to finish. "Ham, ham is good, anything more along *those* lines?" The other woman's smile faded once more, this time for slightly longer.

"Along those lines? What exactly did you have in mind, dear?"

"Well, you know, something..." Bulma struggled for the polite term. The lady waited expectantly, she would be of no help.

"Yes?" she prodded.

"Uh, something meaty-er." finished Bulma.

"I see." The woman quipped. She turned to another page much further back in the book. "How's this?" Not even bothering to read off the list of foods she merely held the book open for Bulma to see. The smile appeared to have taken a not so temporary leave of absence. Good thing too, it was a scary smile.

The picture in the book showed a table pilled high with sausages, turkey legs and one or two suckling pigs. Bulma's face lit up. "Oh that's *perfect*!" she exulted "I'll take three!" The lady just about choked on her own spittle. 

"THREE?!?! But my dear you are only inviting 9 people, not counting the cat, the pig, and the little boy!" At this point she tried to calm down a little but it was all in vain.

"A little boy? That's right, Gohan! Almost forgot about him. And what if that nice purple haired guy shows up again? I don't care *what* Vegeta says, I bet he'd eat like a saiyajin too." She turned back to the woman and with the cheeriest of smiles declared "Better make it four."

"Four!?!?!"

"Yup, better to be safe than sorr-....are you alright?" The vein on the lady's forehead began to twitch spastically. Bulma began to ooch out of the room leaving the woman to her Vegeta-like conniptions.

"No!" ::twitch twitch:: "It's *not* *possible*." ::twitch twitch::

The only good thing about this little scenario was that after she ordered the food, I don't think that lady ever came back. The Briefs found more...understanding help, and apart from the beautiful Kodak moments that were Vegeta being fitted for a tux everything else went of without a hitch. Well, of course it did, I mean, the wedding hadn't come yet. *That's* when they would be hitched. ... I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't pelt me with vegetables! 

As I was saying, everything else went off...smoothly and soon it was time for that antiquated human ritual know as the "bridal shower". This involved several women coming over to the Brief's residence and bestowing upon Bulma packages that consisted mainly of toaster oven. Well...there was a very *sturdy* looking frying pan from ChiChi. But mostly toaster ovens. Good thing too. The frying pan looked *very* sturdy.

"Psst!" an urgent whisper came from below my hiding spot. I jumped. Shit. Had I been detected? I risked a cautious glance. I was greeted by Goku's perpetually smiling visage. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Shhhh! What is it?" I whispered as loudly as I dared. He smiled, grabbed my arm and suddenly we were both outside. "What?" I asked again, louder this time. "Is something wrong?"

"Naw." he grinned "Everythings fine. The guys and I were just about to kidnap Vegeta for a bachelor's party and I thought you'd rather come with us to the bar than sit here with the ladies." he explained. I blinked.

"You mean like out in the open, with everyone?"

"Yup"

"What if I let something slip, you know, mess it all up?"

"Naw, you aren't my kid are you?" He had a point. Still, something had to be wrong with this great sounding deal.

"I'm under age."

"Technically you aren't even born yet." then he added in an undertone "Now, whether you're conceived or not..."

My face must have mirrored my utter horror and disgust cause right about then Goku burst out laughing. "HA HA! Just kidding, just kidding. The point I'm trying to make is that your age is so screwed up it really doesn't matter. Come on! What do ya say?" I sighed in defeat.

"Sure. Why not."

"Great! Come on." We went to the car where Krillin, Yamacha, and Piccolo were waiting. Thank Kami there was only a minor amount of gaping at my appearance. I was quickly accepted and Goku went off to get Vegeta. In a minute or two they materialized in the the front seats of the car and we were off.

"Kakkarott! I demand to know what's going on!"

"Relax Vegeta. It's just a bachelor's party. We're going to a bar to hang for a while while the girls "ooh and ahh" over toaster ovens. It'll be loads of fun! Tons of fun!

"More fun than a barrel of monkeys!" Krillin chimed in. Vegeta and I affixed him with a not-so-friendly glare. Goku cleared his throat to alert Krillin that given 50% of the car's population that was probably *not* the brightest figure of speech to use.

"Ehh, it'll be a lot of fun!" Krillin amended lamely. Vegeta grunted, obviously not too convinced. 

"Gee wiz, the kid is as touchy as Vegeta." Krillin muttered to Yamacha.

"You know," Yamacha whispered back "They kinda look alike! Especially when they glare."

"Hmmm, I dunno." pondered Krillin "What do *you* think, Piccolo." Piccolo only grunted.

Now this was food for thought. Me? Look like Vegeta? I quickly inspected my hairline in the rear view mirror expecting to see the sides receding and the middle slowly inching forward. Luckily everything seemed alright. But in any case I spent the rest of the trip there worrying. 

That and fearing for my life. I don't know if Goku has a license but driving with him is rather similar coasting down rapids on a piece of plywood. Apparently others shared this opinion.

"Remind me too get so drunk I won't remember the ride home." said Yamacha to no one in particular.

"Wow Yamacha! Did you know that that's exactly the same thing my driving instructor said to me?" mentioned Goku. I decided I wouldn't press for details.

Finally we got to the bar. We all went in, sat down, the people who knew what they were doing ordered drinks for those of us who didn't, Krillin passed a little dinky glass of *something* to me and they drank. Me? I just sat there. I mean, I didn't have any experience with alcohol. It looked innocent but smelled funny. I raised it to my lips meaning to take a small sip but...

"Yeah! come kid, show us what you've got!" Krillin cheered as he say me lift the glass. I hesitated but unfortunately that got the entire table involved.

"Drink the whole thing!" encouraged Yamacha

"Ya gotta try sometime." commented Goku. Even Vegeta snorted. I raised the glass to my lips again and swallowed it all. 

I'm sorry to report that I don't recall a lot after that. Oh wait! I remember the drinking game. Well some of it. I remember getting glared after I took a sip when Piccolo said "I've never turned into a giant monkey." S'not my fault no one ever mentioned that bit of my genetics to me til a full moon. There was "I've never been bald", "I've never worn pink", "I've never died".

And then someone said "I've never kissed Bulma." Vegeta took a sip. Yamacha smiled and downed his glass. I don't know why he did that. I guess he **had** known Bulma longer and all but gee wiz! Maybe he was just trying to piss off Vegeta. Well, he suceeded and the epic battle began. Vegeta glared daggers downed his glass and called for another. Yamacha was soon to follow suit. The bar knows this battle as "The Battle of the 49 Tequilas". Yamacha passed out on #48.

Then I remember Goku saying something like "Well, I guess we'd better go." And I vaguely recall reaching for another glass with the intention to carry out the words of wisdom that came from our good buddy who was under the table, most likely dead. Guess those words of wisdom were true cause I don't remember a thing about the rest of the night. But the next morning...that's another matter.


	5. In too deep...

I am not a love child!

Disclaimer: Aw screw it, I've said it plenty, sue me and I'll blast ya.

I woke up. There was pain. Lots of pain. Some sadistic creature was pounding on my head with a sledge hammer. I opened my eyes and fireworks burst inside my brain. All pain was multiplied 10 fold. I quickly shut my eyes again, groaned and attempted to sink into the sweet relief death would bring. I had to be dying. That was the only explanation. Suddenly I felt a cool hand on my forehead. I managed to open my eyes just the teeniest bit.

"Mom?"

"No honey, it's just me, Bulma."

Whoops, I was close. This new development was not good. I had become a little more ingrained in my own story than I had hoped. I should have been sick with worry but instead I rolled over in bed and threw up. If I died now it didn't really make a difference if I was born. 

Bulma's hand was back on my forehead. This time it came with a damp washcloth.

"Stupid Goku." she muttered "Letting a poor kid get drunk." Eh? All this was because of last night? I wasn't dying? Wait. Maybe I was just dying *because* of last night. I had to know.

"Am I gonna die?" I managed to wheeze out. Bulma laughed. I winced. Ouch. Pain. Searing, burning, pain. She must have noticed because she stopped laughing and lowered her voice.

"No darling, you aren't dying, you just have a really bad hangover. Now drink this." 

She was just handing me a cup of black coffee when an agonized yell came from the next room. More pain. I quickly downed the coffee and felt a little better. Bulma sighed.

"Sounds like Vegeta's up" she commented. She turned to go out of my room. "Are you gonna be alright for a while?" she asked. I managed a nod.

As soon as she had left I pressed my ear up against the wall. The yell had subsided and been replaced by something rather close to a whimper.

"Vegeta?" Bulma entered the room.

"Argh, woman don't walk so loudly!" he commanded. She stifled a giggle.

"Aww, poor Vegeta." she cooed.

"I don't need your pity, woman."

"Sure you do, you've got one of the worst hangovers I've ever seen. Here, drink this." she was undoubtedly administering her coffee to him too. 

Suddenly my eavesdropping was interupted by some one *way* to cheery for a morning after a night at at bar.

"Hey Trunks! How ya doin'?" Goku asked, coming into my room. Why was everyone feeling the need to shout this morning? I buried my head under my pillow and retorted with

"I'm not speaking to you anymore!"

"Aw come on. I'm really sorry. Besides, I've already gotten The Authorative Lecture from Bulma."

"I hope she made you cry."

"Close, she tested out her new frying pan. I need to have a talk with ChiChi about that." 

I smiled, glad to know that justice had been adequately served. I removed my head from under the pillow and fixed Goku with a patented glare of death just to let him know that, though I may be talking to him, I was not happy.

"Anyway," Goku continued "As penance I was sent in here to keep an eye on you whilst Bulma looks after Vegeta, and to extend to you an invitation to their wedding."

"Their wedding! I can't go to their wedding!"

"Why not, you'd probably be watching it from the rafters anyway."

"Yeah, but if I go as a guest I'll have to dress up, and get funny looks and, and make polite conversation! Do you have any idea how hard that is?"

"Gee, you *are* Vegeta's kid. Look, just agree right now and make this easy. Bulma's not gonna rest til you come. We don't want this to drag on to the point where she wants to call and invite your whole family."

I winced, yes, I could see how that *would* complicate things.

"I blame you."

"Blame me? How is this my fault?" Goku asked, looking hurt

"If you had taken me to your house or something this wouldn't have happened."

"Hey, believe me I tried but once I got here Bulma wouldnt let me drive anymore and made me spend the night here."

"You were *that* drunk?" Goku scratched his head.

"Dunno, In fact I don't remember a thing, Bulma told me what happened this morning."

"I'll take that as a "yes"" Ok, so it could have been worse, I could have waken up at the pearly gates as opposed to the Brief's guest room but still...

"Well? Can I tell Bulma you'll be there?" Goku asked, returning to the main subject.

"No! I'll just go back home or something for a while, you can tell her I went on a vacation. When's the wedding?"

"Tonight."

"Damn."

"So I guess you'll be coming."

"Yes. But under protest."


	6. At long last...

I am not a love child!
    
    By Mirai Trunks
    
    Disclaimer:        I do not own my life or that of those around me.  I do not own the disturbing purple and green villains we are made to fight.  I do not own the rather obvious plot line that I live.  How ever I can kick your ass if you sue me.  That is all.        
    
            Bulma was overjoyed and as soon as my liver got rid of the the deadly toxins I
    
    had subjected my self to last night I found my self getting fitted for a tux. 
    
    Apparently Bulma thought Vegeta need all the support he could get for I too, was
    
    to be a grooms man. Bulma chatted continuously.
    
            "There we'll just have the tailor sew in a hem here and there and this suit
    
    will be made for you!" she smiled, expertly jamming pins into to suit. I
    
    merely nodded, not quite sure what to say and not trusting myself to say a thing
    
    in any case. Stupid Goku.
    
            "You know, I really appreciate you doing this on such short notice." she
    
    continued.
    
            "Uh, no problem." I muttered.
    
            "No, really, it means a lot to me." she continued on "And you're sure the rest
    
    of of you're family can't come?" This again. I shook my head and delivered my
    
    apology to the floor. I could never lie to mom, I didn't want to see if that
    
    holds true now, er, then, er, whatever. I didn't need to worry. Bulma went on,
    
    unabashed.
    
            "Now you're sure? I mean, you're welcome to stay as long as you like but I do
    
    feel kinda bad stealing you like this without so much as a call to your family. 
    
    We can't reach them at all?" I must have looked more fed up than I meant to let
    
    on because on look at my face and the false cheery smile turned into a sincere
    
    sheepish one.
    
            "Of course, you told you've tried twice. I don't mean to keep badgering you,
    
    its just that, well, I'm nervous! And worrying over frivolities keeps my mind
    
    occupied." She explained. She leaned up against the wall and sighed.
    
            "Oh Trunks, do you think it'll turn out ok?" It was my turn to smile, and
    
    laying a hand on her shoulder, I did so.
    
            "Relax, I'm sure it will all be just fine."
    
            "Or at least it better be." I said to myself as I set off to the groom's room. 
    
    The dwelled on my recent conversation "Mom is awfully nervous. I hope she'll be
    
    alright." But whatever state Bulma was in it was a far cry better than the one
    
    I'd find Dad in.
    
            I opened the door to the groom's room only to be greeted with a yell of "DAMN
    
    IT KAKARROT, IF ONE MORE GIRL IN A FLUFFY DRESS LOOKS AT ME AND GIGGLES...!"
    
            "Hey, hey Vegeta just calm down."
    
            "I AM PERFECTLY CALM!"
    
            "You just went super saiyan!"
    
            This was true.
    
            Vegeta took a deep breath and powered down. Everyone else came slowly out from
    
    behind various pieces of furniture.
    
            "Hi ya Trunks!" Krillin greeted me. "Glad you could make it." he took a
    
    quick glance at Vegeta, who was at present engaged in a power struggle of
    
    tremendous proportions which would be know for years to come simply as "Vegeta
    
    vs Bow Tie" , and amended "Glad you *did* make it, you know, get past the door
    
    and all."
    
            "At least things have calmed down now." observed Piccolo. Indeed since
    
    Vegeta's attention was fastened securely on the bow tie the other occupants of
    
    the room were free to move about.
    
            "Hee hee, I bet for a while there you were wishing you *had* taken Bulma's
    
    offer, huh Piccolo." smirked Krillin. This remark got Krillin several laughs
    
    and the patented glare of death form everyone's favorite namek. I was in the
    
    dark. I pulled Gohan aside.
    
            "Psst! what's all that about?" I asked. Gohan grinned.
    
            "Well, apparently Bulma was a little short on bridesmaids and asked Piccolo,
    
    since he isn't *technically* a guy, if he would, well, fill in." Gohan began to
    
    giggle. I blinked and, unbidden, the image of Piccolo flouncing down the aisle
    
    in a pink flouncy dress escorted by, say, Krillin, came into my mind. It was
    
    terrible. I blinked back tears and considered ending it all now when the
    
    recollection of what I was sent here to do dawned on me. 
    
            I surveyed the room in
    
    regret. It had become practically peaceful except for the little corner from
    
    whence drifted many saiyan words that probably didn't mean "Gee what nice
    
    weather we're havin'". Too bad it would all have to end. I briefly considered
    
    warning the mortals. Briefly. What can I say. I'm my father's son. I cleared
    
    my throat.
    
            "Ahem! By the way, Bulma sent me down here to remind you, the wedding starts
    
    in..." the room fell absolutely silent as I checked my watch "3 minutes."
    
            A resounding "SHIT!!!", a "vwoosh!", and the re-addition of a blonde in the
    
    room followed. Leaving Goku to do the dirty work the rest of us managed to
    
    escape the room unharmed and flee to sanctuary. Literally. I spent the 2
    
    longest minutes of my life standing to the side of the alter mentally bitting my
    
    nails. So close! The operation must not be stopped! The whispers of "10 zeni
    
    says he chickens out" behind me did very little to ease my frame of mind.
    
            Finally with very little time to spare the best man and groom decided to make
    
    their appearances much to the relief of me and the wedding guests. Vegeta was
    
    befret of bow tie but otherwise looked fine. The organ started, the double
    
    doors opened and Bulma began to walk down the aisle. I smiled, she looked
    
    great. I glanced at Vegeta to see if this observation was lost on him. 
    
    Apparently not. That adams apple did one heck of a jump. I restrained the
    
    strange urge to put my finger tips together and mutter "Excellent, Smithers."
    
            The priest launched into the opening. Yamacha nudged me.
    
            "I heard they wrote their own wedding vows." he smiled. "I guess Bulma figured
    
    that one about "til death do we part" had to be re-tootled." Dear Lord, still,
    
    I *could* see how that might pose a logistical problem. I hoped the priest
    
    would be understanding. In any case I would soon find out for the priest had
    
    just begun the first vow
    
            "Do you, Bulma, and you, Vegeta, take each other to be your lawfully wedded,
    
    er, mate..." I saw Bulma's eyes roll almost imperceptibly setting me free from
    
    any lingering doubt I might have had as to who made that certain change. The
    
    priest went on. "to have and to hold from this day forward?"
    
            "I do."
    
            "Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish them for worse or for a lot worse,
    
    for rich or for really really rich, in sickness, health, death, and random bouts
    
    of evilness?"                 "I do." The congregation as a whole sweat dropped. Yup, that
    
    just about covered it. The priest gritted him teeth and spoke the final vow.
    
            "And, forsaking all other, will you remain only unto them for as long as you
    
    both are able to be wished back by the dragon balls?"
    
            "I will."
    
            There now, that wasn't too terrible. Chi Chi booted Gohan out into the aisle
    
    with his little pillow so I gathered it was time for the exchanging of rings. 
    
    There were appreciative "awww"s as Gohan marched solemnly towards the altar. 
    
    Once again I cursed the wedding's "no flash photography" rule and wondered if I
    
    could mug the camera man in the corner and steal his video.
    
            Bulma's hand slipped into Vegeta's and he squeezed it gently before holding it
    
    up and placing the ring upon her finger. "By the power vested in me I now
    
    pronounce you..." the priest gave a small sigh of defeat "mates. You may kiss
    
    your bride." he finished. Brushing aside her veil Vegeta took him at his word
    
    and, this mushy stuff is getting to me, so lets just say that kiss bumped "Gohan
    
    walking down the aisle" to 2nd place for "awww"s.


	7. THE END!

Disclaimer:-_- oh come on. I'm sure we know the drill by now. No need for me to waste good bytes of space.

The next 10 minutes found me sitting in a limousine, with various members of he wedding ceremony, headed towards the reception. Perhaps I should clarify that "various members of the wedding ceremony" included the two "Go"s. Ever been in a limo with Goku and Gohan? Well its an experience you should make a fervent effort to miss out on. 

"Awww hey! Guys! Look! If you press this button the lights start dancing!"

"Yes Goku."

"And if you press this one the little window to the driver seat closes!"

"Yes Goku."

"Hey look! They have sodas in here!" Gohan exclaimed, reaching for the champagne.

"No Gohan!" Bulma pulled the champagne away "This is, uh, adult soda."

"Oh." Gohan nodded in understanding. "I had some adult apples before." he informed us all, smiling. ChiChi glared at Goku.

"Adult apples?"

"Er, uh, I, er, I have no idea what he's talking about and Whoa! Look at *this* button!"

And so on, and so forth. Actually, I think Vegeta was just as fascinated by the little buttons in the limo, but, thank God, too haughty to show it. Finally, after what must have been about 15 minutes, but seemed like an hour of nodding, and saying "Yes Goku" we reached the place where the reception was being held. 

It was a nice place. We saiyans immediately buckled down to eat so, for awhile, the reception was of the peaceful sort. Only the small talk of the humans and the occasional extra loud snarf breaking the quiet.

Oh, the peace lasted for awhile. There was plenty of food. As the food supply began to dwindle ChiChi came over and beat Goku over the head with a ladle 'til he consented to dance with her. Vegeta soon followed suit though, to his credit, he didn't need ladle persuasion. 

Gohan and I exchanged shrugs and tried our best to finish the remaining food before the dance ended and they came back. Unfortunately I soon fell victim to the odious fate of the dance. Stupid girl. I had been so busy eating by the time I saw her she was standing right beside me. 

I was about to give her the "go away and let me eat" glare of death (patented) when I was struck with the full blow of another superior glare of death. The "you had better be nice to the ladies young man!" glare of death. Shit. Did Goku tell Bulma she was my mom, or is it just that damn female intuition? In any case I soon found myself on the dance floor attempting to not step on some girl's feet.

Finally the song ended but before I could go back a salvage what was left of the my meal *another* girl came. It was like open season. They wouldn't leave me alone. I've known it for awhile but never have the full repercussions of it stuck me in the face as solidly as they did tonight. I'm just too sexy for my own good.

Bored out of my mind I looked to see what everyone else was doing. Besides Master Roshi, who was bound and gagged with what looked like purse straps, sashes, shawls and napkins, everyone else seemed to be dancing. 

It was a comic picture. Krillin was attempting to lead while dancing with a blue haired girl at least 3 feet taller than him. ChiChi hit Goku with the ladle every time he cast a wistful glance at the buffet. Piccolo was dancing with Bulma's grandmother and looked like he was either about to hock a laser loogie or burst into tears. Some little girl had even picked up Gohan and they were running around playing the two person version of ring around the rosie.

The music stopped. I looked up expectantly. Was it over? Could I leave? Apparently not, for I, along with all other males, was carted over to one side of the room and the females to the other. Something was fishy. The girls kept looking over at the men and giggling. Master Roshi was apparently warming up. Very disturbing. I pulled Krillen over.

"Krillen, what's going on?" I asked.

"Oh, the garter and bouquet are about to be thrown." he answered. I blinked. Was that cryptic phrase supposed to mean anything to me? It was apparently supposed to. I had to clarify.

"Which means...?" I was so kind as to begin the next sentence Krillen should have stated.

"Gee kid, never been to a wedding before, huh?" Krillen grinned.

"Uh, yeah." I mumbled, scratching my head. "So what's it mean?"

"Kinda an old tradition." Krillen began "Who ever catches the bouquet and garter are supposed to be the next to marry."

"So, steer clear of the little lacy thing then?"

"What ever floats your boat kid." he replied, spitting on his hands.

Dear Lord.

Eventually Vegeta was pushed to the front of the crowd. At first he had my exact sentiments on the the whole "wedding tradition" thing, but had brightened up(for Vegeta this means shifting to only a mild death glare) after the actually getting of the garter from Bulma's leg. He flicked the garter up in the air. I stood in the back of the crowd looking bored. 

At least, I was until the garter hit me on the head.

Life is cruel.

A communal groan went up among the assembled guys and I received some semi good natured past on the back. I sighed. Well, maybe it wasn't so bad. I mean, its just a tradition right? No one really buys into it. Sure some girl may plaster herself to my arm for the rest of the night but hey, the night was almost over and when it was I was shipping up and heading back to home time. I mean, how bad could the girl be? 

Now I had learned long ago never to ask questions like that but I learned that night not even to *think* them.

Suddenly, on the "bouquet side" of the the room I heard something that made my blood run cold. A communal complaint of "Awww man! Who let in the flying cat? That's not fair!" Puar. Puar caught the bouquet. I think that was about the closest I have ever come to crying.

With amazing saiyan reflexes, the type only used in moments of life and death, I passed the garter off to Master Roshi and made myself scarce. Very scarce. But not so scarce that I couldn't watch Master Roshi try to wrestle away the bouquet from Puar and give it to a buxom brunette who was trying to hide behind, to his immense delight, Yamcha.

At the beginning of the reception I had wondered why Bulma chose to serve "adult punch". I mean, she had known these people a longer than me and *I* felt like it was a very unwise decision. However, I now saw her reasoning. With friends like these who needs after dinner entertainment?

Well, the night wound down. The sane-er people began to trickle out until just the the closest friends remained. Gohan had fallen asleep in a chair and ChiChi had managed to stick head phones on him that would teach him trigonometry. Bulma and Vegeta were leaving.

No hovercraft for them. They would be traveling to their destination (a place on a small private island) by VeggieAir Inc. Vegeta lifted Bulma up and she wrapped her arms around his neck. Since someone had eaten all the rice* we just smiled and waved and they took off. 

HA HA! I WIN! I was overjoyed. It had taken hard work and suffering buy it had all turned out in the end. Damn I'm cool. The rest of the gang most have thought I was a couple "ha-me"s short of a Kamehameha though after all those back flips I did as soon as the happy couple was out of sight. Ah well.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the true story of how Bulma and Vegeta got together and married, and how I, magnificent being that I am, was brought into this world. Thank you. You've been a great audience.

*NOTE: I did not eat all the rice. I only ate some of the rice. Not all! Only some.


End file.
